【大家写作文系列二】漫画作文—（教育）给学生（不必写整篇，一句也ok，有奖励）

土纸

原帖由 nick-cave 于 2008-1-15 15:28 发表
As is shown in the picture above，two youngsters,a boy and a girl, are walking ahead easy and joyfully，while their eldermen，maybe grandma and grandpa，are following helping carry the two childr ...

As is shown in the picture above，two youngsters,a boy and a girl, are walking ahead easy and joyfully，while their eldermen，maybe grandma and grandpa，are following helping carry the two children‘s heavy schoolbags full of books，tired and exhausted. And we can see that though the boy is so young, he is wearing a pair of thick glasses.Obviously,he has a very poor sight. It's revealed that the study burden carryed by the youngers is so heavey that their eldermen have to take parts for them.
第一句，采用了同位语结构，有些与众不同，很好。
第二，又采用了同位语，起到了，结构平行的效果，我觉得也算不错。
第三，看到了一个关键点，很厚的眼镜，说明学业很累，观察很细致。这样就不会跑题啦。

           This phenomenon is typical in china for pupils and has aroused a great social concern. In my opinion,sevrel reasons may contribute to the current educational situation.For the first thing,in general families,parents always hold a high hope for their children, expecting the generation can have a brighter future than themselves.And they put  much emphasis on the study score of their children. For the other,from the school's perspective,the children are assigned lots of homework to finish and busy with it all day.Thus they spare no time to play and have insufficient sleep.
第一，我觉得the generation是不是改为their generations 更好些，
第二，相应第一个，将a brighter future 改为 brighter futures 是不是更好呢
第三，lots of homeworks
第四，it ——them
        Therefore,it's high time that we took some measures to cope with the problem confronted by the whole sociaty.on the one hand, we can't impose our excessively high expectation on the children, and overlook their own ideas.on the other hand, it's urgent to take a eductional reform to pay more attention to improving their abilities,such as independent thinking, self-teaching and so on,but not only to the test score. Finally,we should provide more room for them to develop freely and happily.

最后一段，套句较多，我觉得，第一句用得很好，其他研友可以采用。


[ 本帖最后由 土纸 于 2008-1-15 17:34 编辑 ]

伍迪

下面

[ 本帖最后由 伍迪 于 2008-1-15 17:36 编辑 ]

伍迪

As is shown in the picture, we can see clearly that two  pupils are on their way to school,followed by  their old grandparents,who carried heavily bags and water bottles .great tireness present on their face while their children smile happly! the exaggerative and impressive portayal has subtly revealed the duality of relationship between education and soclety .

  The purpuse of the drawing is to show us that utmost importance shoud be attached to children's education .first and foremost ,it is wellkown that education is the fundamental of a country 'S development,so evrey one of us focused on it and done our best to build well circumstance for our children.furthermore,some people seem too worry about that their child will not have enough kownledge to adpat this rapid and information world,thus thier children's bags became increasing bigger,and then, they shoud carry it themself.last but not least ,our country have not releaze that the burden of our future's flowre of country  is underestimate and will go to ruin if this situationg goes on.

  in my opinion ,it goes without  saying that both education of child and the  health of their body and heart  are extreamly important to us . hence,it imperative for us to take effective actions to balance them well.to begin with  we shoud cultivate the awereness of people to this issue .in addition,concrete plans shoud be launched so as to reduce the burden of our children usefully. only in this way can we curb the phenomennon revealed in the picture and see
our kids growing enjoyful!中间写原因的时候给卡住了，惭愧啊

土纸

原帖由 伍迪 于 2008-1-15 17:32 发表
As is shown in the picture, we can see clearly that two  pupils are on their

way to school,followed by  their old grandparents,who carried heavily bags and

water bottles .great tireness p ...

As is shown in the picture, we can see clearly that two  pupils are on their

way to school,followed by  their old grandparents,who carried heavily bags and

water bottles .great tireness present on their face while their children smile

happly! the exaggerative and impressive portayal has subtly revealed the

duality of relationship between education and soclety .

第一，这里采用套句，还不错。
第二，can clearly see。还是 can see clearly呢？
  The purpuse of the drawing is to show us that utmost importance shoud be

attached to children's education .first and foremost ,it is wellkown that

education is the fundamental of a country 'S development,so evrey one of us

focused on it and done our best to build well circumstance for our

children.furthermore,some people seem too worry about that their child will not
have enough kownledge to adpat this rapid and information world,thus thier

children's bags became increasing bigger,and then, they shoud carry it

themself.last but not least ,our country have not releaze that the burden of

our future's flowre of country  is underestimate and will go to ruin if this

situationg goes on.

第一，drawing。用得不错，很多人总用picture。而drawing。跟它是等同意思的，建议文中第一次用picture。第二次用drawing
第二，drawing is to这个地方，土纸认为可以加入一个插入语，如，……drawing，I think ，is to……，
第三，首先，其次和最后但并不是最不重要的，还是很有层次的，
第四，focused on it and done，没有太看懂，done。为什么用过去分词
第五， seem too worry about ，用得还不错，用seem代替be动词，是一个好的替换，一个小亮点。
第六， became increasing bigger，有这个用法，？
第七， have not releaze，将have not。分开使用，非常好，助动词强调作用，但是releaze好像应该用过去分词吧。
  in my opinion ,it goes without  saying that both education of child and the  

health of their body and heart  are extreamly important to us . hence,it

imperative for us to take effective actions to balance them well.to begin with  

we shoud cultivate the awereness of people to this issue .in addition,concrete

plans shoud be launched so as to reduce the burden of our children usefully.

only in this way can we curb the phenomennon revealed in the picture and see

our kids growing enjoyful!
第一，对于important，如果您的文中出现两次，建议第一次用important。如果第二次出现，建议使用of great importance，如果只使用一次，就用第二种形式。
第二，it is imperative。
中间写原因的时候给卡住了，惭愧啊！疏于练习！

nick-cave

土版辛苦了，呵呵[em:39] 不过homework是不可数吧？
中间说原因憋了半天才下笔，越往后越意识流，句子衔接也不流畅。练的太少了，不过有了点经验就是：见到名词，代词就看看能不能加修饰成分，凑字数啊，看上去也丰满点。

土纸

原帖由 nick-cave 于 2008-1-15 20:36 发表
土版辛苦了，呵呵[em:39] 不过homework是不可数吧？
中间说原因憋了半天才下笔，越往后越意识流，句子衔接也不流畅。练的太少了，不过有了点经验就是：见到名词，代词就看看能不能加修饰成分，凑字数啊，看上去 ...

呵呵，不过这里可以换成schoolwork,这是可数名词

wahaha888

    Recently, a movement named” Students’ Stress Relieving” is appealed many times in our society. What lead to that is, just as is vividly revealed by the drawing above, in China, the pressure of students—especially in elementary school and middle school—is absolutely beyond bearable. In the picture, there are two children on the way to school. Their grandparents are following them with a heavy bag for each and thinking:” how could my little grandson and granddaughter brings these damned bags to school without any help?”
        Why did this phenomenon appear in China? In my view, there are two primary reasons as following. First and foremost, only the basic knowledge education is emphasized in our country. For years, till now, this attitude has never changed. You could get a good job easily if you have got a outstanding achievement on study in our society. Consequently, student must study harder and harder. Another reason is that our parents only concerning the test scores but lose sight of what do not show up in the scores-personality, ability and creativity.
        Fortunately, our government has taken this fact into account timely. They have made some relevant regulate but it seems does not worked well. As far as I am concerned, only the education reform—to place the ability and creativity to the first purpose of education—can solve this problem perfectly.

wahaha888

今天下午写的,大家帮改改,不胜感激!

jackliaoliang

这个和那篇温室的花朵不是差不多吗？我记得有篇真题的阅读－－－写小日本的教育下降可以用点句子好像2000年左右的

wahaha888

顶楼上的！
我今天下午刚读完那几篇阅读就写了这篇作文，用了里面几句话
wahaha~~