最实用|文书错误案例示范及自查手册（下）

吉斯文书

最实用|文书错误案例示范及自查手册（下）


使用建议：在提交文书给他人修改之前，应按照常见错误形式的表格检查自己的文章三遍以上。
如果自己都不敢回看三遍以上，说明文章是失败的……

二、不具体
2.1 过于抽象

示例：Wellesley women strike me as the symbol of their motto.They are courageous enough to take any responsibility that a man can take, to make any contribution that a man can make, to take initiative on their own destiny. All those independent women did fascinate me. I am eager to be one of them, not to be ministered unto but to minister.

谈学校精神、学生风貌啥的常常容易过于抽象/文艺/恢弘，以至于感觉是从官网上抄来的……另外，这些说法可以轻松套用到其他女校上，并不能体现该校的特点。

建议：少谈精神，操作难度大。如果学校校训、精神非常有特点的可以考虑写一整段。其他 的最多一两句。 防止过于抽象就需要具体化。具体化最好的方法就是举例。说学校学术强，就落实到特定科 目特定课程特定教授特定研究课题以及你的原因；说学校气氛活跃，就落实到具体俱乐部的 具体活动以及你计划如何参与。 最好不要让人感觉把专有名词换掉就能套用在其他类似学校上。

2.2 无法联系自身

示例：Social clubs would further equip me for effectiveness. For instance, the Cheese Club in NYU aims to gather all cheese lovers and discover different kinds of cheeses all around the world while focusing on exploring good cheese in New York and spreading the news for cheese loves. While Slow Food Club is also for food lovers who would like to spend time studying and appreciating various cuisines. In such clubs, food, culture, education, and community are all focused on sending the simple message: food is in culture and culture is in food.

虽然段落开头提到了自己，但后续看起来就和自身毫无关系了，也并没有阐述 effectiveness...只是疯狂点赞学校是不能成功的哟！因为 AO 问 WHY 是想知道你想在学校找到些什么，是不是合适他们学校，而不是他们学校有多么高大上……

建议：WHY ESSAY 每一句话都是为了建立自己和学校的 connection。赞俱乐部，就说说你之前有什么类似经验以及会对这个 club 做什么贡献。另外注意，不要让人觉得这可以轻轻松松地套用在其他申请者身上。既要有说服力，又要有趣。

三、无逻辑
3.1 结构松散

示例：After an inspiring talk with my Chilen roommate, I might travel to Chile for semesters to obtain international perspective. Besides, for me, an arts nerd who value the flexibility, Tufts provides the most creative courses such as Neuroscience in Movies,and Biology combined with Drama.

The possibilities I could see myself in Jumbo herd also exhilarate me that I cannot keep still. Can' t wait to wear shirts with symbol of elephants, my favorite animal, and cheer for the coolest champions in Quidditch World Cup!

WHY ESSAY 之幻想情境系列…… 但是也要注意结构。此同学想提 international atmosphere，academic flexibility and...activity? （在上一段已经写了 一整段 school spirit = = ） 每个点都只是一句话代过，在人不明就里的时候就飘到下一个幻想中了。看下来感觉混混沌沌，一个适合 Tufts 的原因都记不下来。

建议：确保结构的逻辑性。从学术到活动可以慢慢讲，但不能在其中跳来跳去。最好在首句 给出一个明确的原因，而不是直接进入描述。一个论点至少要三句话。长 essay 可以一个点一段；短 essay 给出的原因可以减少，但不能缩略细节。

3.2 缺乏过渡
3.2.1 句子间缺乏过渡

示例：Encouraged to be themselves, Jumbos respect diverse individuality and embrace difference. I love Tufts' attitude connects to me internally.

第一句话看不懂想要表达什么；第一句和第二句看起来没有逻辑联系。

3.2.2 段落间缺乏过渡

示例：……. But my paradise had broken. Everything had gone. Now there stands the splendid hotel, gorgeous and tedious as every standardized one on the cold cement road.

In my first high-school-year, I joined biology competition. But through the debates with humanities students, I realized that it was politicians and economists who controlled the destiny of my city. …….

缺乏内容/结构/句式上的衔接。于是第二段显得突兀。

建议：在内容句式上相互呼应。段与段之间要有逻辑或时间上的过渡词。

改后示例：But my street and birds all disappeared. Now there stands the splendid hotel, gorgeous and tedious as every standardized one on the cold cement road.

After years, I joined biology competition to study animals. However, through the discussions with humanities students, I realized that politicians without environmental awareness still controlled the destiny of my city.

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